Well, I had planned my new blog to start off on a bright, happy note and until recently I’d been feeling VERY happy. But now I’m anything but.
Recently I’ve been wondering what on earth God wants me to do with my life and I’ve been praying for him to take me down off the shelf and use me. I’ve been told this is a very scary thing to pray because God might actually take me up on my offer but I feel I need to get out of this rut I’m in. Last night I was talking to my Mum on the phone and I ended up breaking down and confessing that I really don’t want to be a librarian – I did my undergraduate degree in Communication and Cultural Studies at Curtin and for ages I’ve wanted to write Christian fiction that is honest and real and introduces people to Jesus in a book that would end up in a secular bookshops where non Christians can get it and not just at Koorong or Word where they’d never go anyway. I also LOVE acting yet I haven’t done any for 2 1/2 years and I miss it. Although being a librarian is not all bad, I work with great people (all non-Christians – what opportunity!) and the job isn’t really stressful – I just want more than this. And it’s frustrating cos every move I’ve made to try and improve things has been blocked. Two months ago I went to my boss and asked if I could work 4 days a week instead of full time cos I want to spend one day a week writing my novel. She wanted to help me but the big wigs in the library denied my request. I’ve also tried entering short stories in competitions but have failed to make the finals in any of them. I’ve looked for other jobs all over the country – nothing! Meh, it’s like I can’t leave the library. Yet I KNOW that part of my desire to go into the arts is for own recognition etc. I know that’s dodgy to be doing things with such a selfish motive. Yet I became aware recently that when I was studying Performance Studies at Curtin, I was in a pantomime 4 years ago with 3 people who have gone on to have success – one is part of the breakfast show on 96fm, one has a regular role on All Saints and the other had a guest role on All Saints last week. And I’m just a librarian and yes I’m jealous.
Secondly, things at my church CCC have been going a lot better this year. Since our new pastor has arrived, I’ve felt there is a lot more unity and people are growing in their love for one another. I prayed for this for ages and even considered leaving at one stage last year but God really is at work and I want to be a part of that. I particularly love meeting with the women in my prayer and bible study group, they have been such a blessing.
Ok, I hear you say, so what’s the problem? This sounds great BUT I constantly get asked by well-meaning Christians and non Christians about when I am going to find a guy and get married. Now this shouldn’t bother me but it does cos I really WOULD love to meet someone but it’s frustrating cos I can’t seem to find the right person ANYWHERE or even get opportunities to meet more people. And it’s been suggested to me that I leave CCC and go church-hopping to meet someone. I have a few friends facing a similar dilemma at their churches.
Now I’m in a bit of a quandry – I’m enjoying being a part of CCC yet I know if I stay, chances are I’ll be single forever. And I feel bad about leaving church for that reason cos that’s not the purpose for church. I want to give, not just see what I can get out of it.
Anyway, my mum is not a Christian and basically told me to leave CCC (cos she reckons church is a bad influence and Christians are weird), that I should date non-Christians, including going on blind dates with people I know aren’t suitable. Don’t get me wrong there are lot’s of lovely non-Christians out there but I want to marry a Christian. And I reckon she thinks writing is a waste of time and I should just stay at the library.
So as you can see, I’m torn. Torn between wanting worldly stuff, wanting happiness etc (even though I DO want to help people find Jesus as well) and just staying put and trusting that God can work things out. As I was thinking about this last night, I came to realise THAT I DO NOT TRUST GOD. I’m not happy about where I’m at in life and I know that God CAN do something about it but WILL he? And I’m really tempted to just go out and “help” God ie. make massive changes myself so I can feel better. I guess what I’m asking is is it ok to do this? Should we just sit back and let God be God or does he want us to be proactive? Is he just saying I’ll bless whatever you decide?
I told my housemate last night that it is quite likely I’ll rock up at our 10 year high school reunion in 4 years time (yes I tend to think ahead) and be the biggest loser in the room – a single Christian librarian. She wisely pointed out that this is NOT how God sees me and how the best and most “successful” decision you could ever make is to follow Jesus. Yet, I’m still stuck and I’ve prayed and still don’t know what to do. Should I move church and jobs and possibly states searching for happiness when it could still elude me? Or should I wait (and I’m so sick of waiting)?
If you’re reading this, even if you’re a complete random from some random place, please pray that I can make good decisions and trust God more.
Yes, I know I’m such an ungrateful person after all God has done. It could be much worse but right now I can’t think properly. Maybe one day soon I can reread this post and thank God that I have clothes to wear, a house to live in and that I don’t have AIDS.
P.S. Congrats if you read through all that.
